The Last Time I Was Here

The last time I was here I was telling you that my friends in my head were talking to me again.  It's true they are.  However, I have let life get the best of me and I forgot my passion once again.  Don't get me wrong, being a mom is the most fulfilling thing that I could have ever asked for!!!  I love teaching him how to do things and right from wrong.  Yet, it's not the completetion I need in my life. I need to be writing the stories in my head. Mostly for me, but also for my son.  For him to see that mommy did what she was meant to do in life.

I have said several times that I fear that I am not good enough.  How will I know I am not good enough until I finish what I start.  I have not finished what I have started with these novels ever.  A lot of time I wonder if I am good enough and then deem myself not and go about my life.  Then I get reminders that I may have a good story and that I should keep going.

My boyfriend is my biggest fan and lately he has lost his faith that this story will ever be finished. Today that made me beyond sad to know that I was letting him down.  I wasn't fulfilling my passions. I wasn't sharing with the world what I could do. It actually hit me to my core.  With that being said there are three people that I don't want to hurt anymore.  My son, My boyfriend, and Myself.

Below is something I wrote that will be placed in the story.  I just wanted to share with you where my head is at...

Sometimes the world seems too simple.  Time moves slowly and everything makes sense.  Other times, you’re left wondering if you’ve made the right choices.  If your heart is capable of one more heart break.  One more wave of unexplainable tears. 

You sit in your corner and watch the world just pass you by.  Ever changing.  Ever listening.  Ever watching.  The people you love becoming faded memories in your once perfect dreams.  You think about all the tears you shed for the lost lives of your world.  You think of all the sadness you feel for the Tom, Sevens, and Marys you will never get to know. 

You think of these people, your friends and your family, and you weep for them.  You weep for the time you will never get back.  The joys you will never experience.  The friendships you never got to see grow.  While you’re thinking of them, you remember that these people were never really your friends.  They were servants meant only to do your bidding.  That you never really knew them at all.  Still you weep for them.  Still you feel their pain as they die.  One by one.  Fading into the darkness, into the abyss you longed for but have never known.

I am you.  I look at you in the mirror and I see the weight of the world just resting on your shoulders.  A weight you didn’t know you had borne until just recently.  You carried it so strong.  So noble.  As gracefully as you were always taught to do.  I am you.  You are me.  In our body we have grown so strong, wrought with a power that could crush this world in just one thought, with just one motion.  A blink of an eye if you will.  You are always so strong, yet these days you feel so weak.  You feel so lost.  So very much alone.  You love your world, your people, the one or two friends you may have.  Yet, you know it’s all for not.  It’s forever going to be your burden to save them from that tyrant of a man. 

As I look at you, you look so sad.  So lost behind your tears and your fake smile.  A smile that used to light up a room but now just sits on your face, frozen in that way that makes it look real but, you know that if your move your lips in just the right way it will crack and you will break.  You of the strong will and mind, are so fragile.  I look at you in the mirror and I see a girl I do not know.  I see a woman surviving with a strength she didn’t know she had.  I see… a faded shadow of your mother. 

I have cried so much in these last couple of days.  I have cried for the greatest loss my heart has ever known.  I have cried for a people that I will never talk to or cherish in a way that I should.  I have cried for being weak.  For knowing that if I stay here I will never be a parent.  I will never laugh with my child, because my father will kill it before it even takes its first tiny breathe.  I will never know the things that I should that would make me a great queen, because my father doesn’t want a great queen.  He wants a broken soul.  A lost shadow that blends and longs to fade into the world.  Why does he want these things?  Because, then his precious fate ridden prophecy will not come to be. 

As I continue to stare at you, I realize that you are the wielder of your own destiny.  You can control no one, save yourself.  Save yourself.  It’s so simple now that I see it.  What I wouldn’t long to give to do just that one thing.  To save myself would be quite the feat indeed.  Don’t you want to know what it’s like to feel the sand beneath your feet, the wind in your hair without restriction, the sun shining on your pale, pale skin?  I nod to you in the mirror.  Yes, yes I would like to know these things, feel these things.  Yes I would like to be free of these burdens, these chains that tie me down.  These restrictions to my heart, my power, and to my mind.  I would like to know what it’s like to walk freely down a street and know there is not a single creature behind me that is there to take me home.

Home.  One says it like it’s a good thing.  We know that is not the case at all.  We know this because our home is riddled with pain and sorrow, with jealousy and blind hatred.  This may not be the world’s home, but this is your home.  I look at myself and realize that the only savior I have is me.  “It’s you” I say to myself.  “You go out into the world and make your own home.  You don’t need magic to survive.  All you will ever need is you.”

I wipe away the tears from my cheek.  I am right.  I must leave this world before it eats me alive and leaves me every which way but whole.  I must leave while I have the chance.  All I need to do is walk out those castle doors and into my destiny.  Not the one deemed for me by the fates; but the one I will create for myself.  I don’t need these walls to hold me.  All I need is my own beating heart.  All I will ever need is me. 

I wish my mother were there to see how I have grown.  I wish she were here to see me walk out those doors never to return.  Oh the things she would say.  The looks she would have.  The warm, gentle smile she would give as she helped me with my bags.  I wish my mother knew all the things I have learned from just wishing she were here.  I wish she could see the way I would weep for our people, and love my father even after he had completely lost his mind.  I wish she could know, it’s because of her… I have held my power at all.

Sometimes you look at your life and wonder what it was all for.  You think that you have 

everything figured out.  You think that you have fought your battles and that every battle will be the one getting you closer to your goals, your dreams, and your destiny.  In reality is that the case?  I’ve spent many years loving my people, my family, and my world and not getting one step close to whatever my density was or is or will be.  The reason being is that I haven’t ever been given the time to breathe, to just stop and smell whatever flower comes into my view.

You spend your whole life trying to be something you are not.  I have learned that crying is bad, loving is worse, and strength is all you need to survive.  In my world you had one task at hand in your everyday life.  You survived court while living under a tyrants rule, waiting for your world to come crashing down. 

I have never been in love.  I have never felt the hand of another in a gentle and loving manner.  I have always wondered what my life would be like if I wasn’t a princess.  I have always wondered if I hadn’t been born to Adroziel, would I still be a fairy?  Would I still have power?  I have spent countless nights just sitting in my chambers dreading my day, willing my power down, begging my heart to feel something other than sadness and loneliness.  My only friend was and is my childhood companion and handmaiden.  Even my sister refused to be my friend.  Why was it that she hated me so much? 

I didn’t know the answer to this question, I didn’t know any of the answers to many of my questions.  It was like I was here waiting for my world to come crashing down and I knew that it had already fallen. 

Sitting here in my room, I knew two things:  the first being that it was time to make a change in my life.  My people would live without me.  My father would live without me.  My sister would live without me.  I needed to leave.  The second: I had to follow my heart.  My heart said leave, run quickly and as fast as you can.  So I packed my bags, and hardened my heart even more.   So here I sit, waiting for the world to end.

I wasn’t sure when this would happen. My leaving.  I just knew that I packed my life away.  At this moment, I missed my mother.  She made life make sense.  She was always so cool, calm, and collected.  My mother, was the most wonderful Fae to grace our lands.