Word Vomit

A lot of times when I sit down to write, I have nothing to say until about twenty minutes in, and then it all comes out in a flood.  A flood of thought, a wave of emotions, or a tsunami of images.  Sometimes the thoughts don't make sense to anyone but me.  Not until I create a clear picture with the images and a feeling with the emotions.  It may seem that I write erratically and without purpose but, when when has anyone done anything with complete purpose?   

My hope is that people are like me in a way and write with 80 percent with purpose and the other 10 percent without.

I would like to know if other writers have these waves of word vomit or if I am alone in this world.  More than likely, I am not the only one.  

I have been so set on writing that I get stressed out about writing and tend to not finish my writing.  Even with a daily word goal I find myself stressing out.  If I don't word vomit, I will never word vomit, and then the current word vomit will just just sit in the binder collecting dust for another two years before I even think of it again.

However, with the support system I have that may not be true.

A dear friend of mine told me once that I was afraid of success.  Thinking about it now, that may be true.  May... I don't like to admit I am wrong... When clearly I am never wrong (said no woman ever).

No one likes to admit their faults... Not one likes to know that they may have an irrational fear of the unknown.  My fears apparently are clowns, spiders, and success.  If those aren't extremes I really don't know what is.

As I sit down to write this I see that my fears while valid are stupid... Except clowns (those guys will kill you...).  I have yet to meet someone else afraid of success yet, I know they exist.  If this were back in the day and I were an Irish dancer still, then I would have no fear.  I feared nothing when I was flying to the air as the Irish music played in the background.  But, this is not dancing, nor is it music related.  This is about my words, my story, my hidden dream coming to life.  What if they come to life and they aren't good enough?  What if not one single person reads my story? 

I have searched for things I have failed at.  I have gone deep into my vault of things that I have done and can say I don't believe I have failed.  Not at anything I have done.  I believe if you don't try you are failing... But, if you have tried and gone as far as you can go with what you have done then you in no way failed.

However, I find myself asking the question: "What if I fail?"  Since I have never failed... I don't really want to know if I want to know that answer.

So, I'll sit down everyday and word vomit, and word vomit... Until my story is written and people read my words... Until I have completed the task and feel as if all I have done was perfect.

© 2015 Jacque Marie Fincher